The insanity of it all

I have been talking, writing, reading about love for a long time now. Described it as an emotion that I have lost, a feeling that I'm longing to have and a sin I don't want to commit. And while I'm hopping around with a particular kind of feeling towards the concept of love every other day, what amazes me is how each finds its best interest in me. How despite being disappointed in love, you fall back in that mess of confused feelings and yet move on merely because of the fact that you have to. 

A recent episode made me wonder, how attraction is opposed to love. When you face rejection even though it's just an attraction, it kills you from inside because you thought about the prospect of a 'love' with the person. It might seem irrational, stupid yet you can't control it. You are not ready to commit yet you are hoping for a commitment because the thought of love knocking your door again anytime soon seems like a difficult plan. You try to be practical, straightforward and make sure that you don't make a fool out of yourself, but that's only what you try. The reality however lies in a lot of "Shit, I can't believe I just did that" 

So why then do we allow that attraction to grow into love? To linger on for long enough to make us want more with each passing? 

Because we feel it's our shot at love, it's our chance of having our fairytale. And even though we maybe disappointed, we need to take a leap of faith. Do those stupid things because you don't have anything to lose. And if you do lose it, like they say, probably it never was yours. 

If you are worrying about being confused, don't. Because you will always be. For I am too. Like a dear friend whom I accuse of never giving me advice told me, "I still told him because it was important for me. Even when I knew that he didn't feel the same way. I don't think it makes me any less of a person." Or like the other friend who always says the right thing told me, "But also ask yourself, is it worth it?" And then came the other one who has understood me always told me, "We will always be asking questions." And I quote her blog here, "But "what ifs" are sometimes better than a complete "no"." 

Now, I'll tell you my version. Maybe not today, but the day I feel that this attraction is love I will not be scared to go ahead with it. Right now, I'll settle with the what if. 

And to my dear friends, I'll be fine soon, for this too shall pass. 

The worst feeling

I was angry. Angry because I was fighting with one of my closest friends. Angry, because of the fact that I take friendship too seriously. I was so angry that there were tears streaming down my face and all I wanted to do was talk. Talk to someone.

And what angered me more was, when I looked at my contact list I didn’t know whom to call. Who was the one person I could call and not worry about sounding silly. And I knew more than anyone, I missed you at that moment.

It’s been a long time since we last talked and I didn’t want to bother you. I just can’t. Even though I know, you would be more than happy to listen to me right now but I just couldn’t pick up the phone to call. I know I have moved on and I know, somewhere you have to.

That’s what I have been looking for. For someone to talk to in my worst of days even though I might run the risk of sounding like the silliest person. For someone to laugh with and shout in joy, just because I’m happy. For someone whom I could depend upon emotionally without having to worry about my heart being crushed. For it has happened, more than once.

Which is why, over the years, I have conditioned myself to not let my sorrow out easily. I know there are friends with whom I can share my disappointments, my worries but when I have to cry, I cry alone. Because I know they would say "Stop crying". But what no one understands is that sometimes you have to cry because you haven’t for too long and you are letting go of the many things that bother you. Those things that bother you but you are too afraid to talk about them. And I know at this point, you would have let me cry and just as I would be sobbing, you would make me laugh.

I know it’s not the same anymore. But at least, I know what I’m looking for. 

If that's what you want

I’ll find the places where you hide.

I’ll be the dawn on your worst night.

To find love so pure, to believe in a feeling that rises above all and to trust in an emotion that submerses you in the depth of sadness and at the same time, uplifts you in the best of spirits, is for the lack of any other word, extraordinary. As I write this, someone might be writing the letter of love and at the same time, someone else might be crying into their pillows. All, for love.

The contradictory complexities of love, startle me. While sometimes it is as easy as walking into a bar and offering a drink to someone only to strike up a conversation that lasts forever, it’s also as difficult as holding on to a love lost, for years together, because you fear you won’t find it again. And each in its own regard is called love.

The frustrating confusions about love, bother me. Some say that love is all about giving while a few others say that love understands that you don’t have to give it all. Love is different for all yet it’s the one thing that holds them together.

The fights on love, anger me. It’s a bond that makes us let go of many others. But why? Why can’t love be an entity that’s understood by all beyond the upheavals of religion, caste, sex? We say that we need to fight for our love, but when do we stop fighting? Fighting for an emotion that just comes naturally to us.

Even then, the hope and faith people have in love, makes me dream. That after having eased out the complexities, solved the confusion and won the fight, people will always believe in love. They are sad, they are scared but still they never stop believing for what is life if not going that extra mile every other day, because that’s what “you” wanted. 

Randomness

It’s been more than a week that I have been meaning to write. Write about what was happening in my life. I was so preoccupied with the thoughts that I didn’t want to let go off and the presumption that things would change. But the truth is, everytime I would sit down write, things would actually change but only in an unexpected manner that pulled me back into this pool of confusion.

A random meeting, followed by a few others and then many drunken nights with a completely new bunch of friends, that’s how the past two weeks of my life can be described as. I shocked a few by my decisions and sometimes even myself, but it felt right.*I feel so right doing the wrong thing*

So yes. It has been a strange time where I found myself excited at the silliest of reasons, disappointed with an even sillier thing and then rising right back up dismissing all of them. It got me a lot of “You should be careful” and “Don’t get drunk” from Miss P, “Just doesn’t feel right” from Miss Paul and “I’m telling you out of experience” from Miss D. And these three being the ones I depend on without giving a second thought, I tried to defend my stance even though I knew I was doing the wrong thing. It involved a lot of “conference room” meetings to discuss the latest updates, a lot of phone calls and texts but what amazed me was my decision to go ahead with it anyway.

Why so?

Because it just felt so liberating. Because somewhere in the stupidity, I remembered my old times. Because sometimes in those drunken nights, I just let myself be.

I remember telling Miss Paul one day, that I want to let go of the things that are holding me back and just do something that I have never done before. And that was the day, I met A. Now, before you start thinking, no, it wasn’t something magical or love kinds. But in more ways than not, the whole episode was flattering. It had been really long since someone told me I looked pretty and took out time to talk to me. Considering the complexities of my past relationships which had made me believe that it never happens, A put me in the most awkward of places yet made me like it. I don’t know him or his friends even though I have spent quite a lot of time with them but I took a leap of faith.

And even though, I know it means nothing and I know that it’s just one of those things that happen these days, this random meeting with A and his friends, has put a smile on my face and until it lasts, I want to just let go of things that have me cramped emotionally and take the plunge of randomness. 

The wait

Honking cars, flashing lights and ringing bells, everyone is in a hurry to be somewhere. Somewhere. Right beside me, Miss P is driving the car and hurling abuses at the man who just crossed her path. Then she turns to me with glaring eyes suggesting that I should also do the same. We meet the man again at the next signal. He does it again. And this time before Miss P’s glaring eyes could shoot a look at me, I lift my hands and signal towards the man, “Kya”. Miss P is happy and our drive continues peacefully but only till the next signal.

I pause. I glance around.

While everyone keeps complaining about time flying away too fast, not reaching somewhere on time, graduation here too soon and turning another year older, I look at the other side. At the wait to reach there.  

I was waiting alone at work for my friend to come along. She said it will take her five minutes more. And as I tried to shuffle my contacts and then my playlist and then my messages and very nonchalantly gave out the message that I’m busy, those five minutes seemed to last forever. The wait for the friend made me realise how even in the busiest of all streets you can feel very lonely.

The phone kept buzzing as I tried to ignore the messages. My mind was fixated on the laptop screen where I was scrolling through the Facebook messages. It had been more than a month since he had last messaged. And here I was, in the darkness of the night hoping against hope that with the tick tock of the clock, his reply should also pop on my screen. The wait for his reply made me realise that sometimes even when there are many others vying for your attention, your heart is stuck on that one person who still hasn’t replied.

And as I keep waiting for the many things to change in my life, I know one thing. The wait may make you feel restless, it may make you angry but when the wait is over, you treasure the time that got you there, to the end.

The correction

Just as I had finished updating my last blog, I thought again about the first paragraph. And I realised I was wrong. Yes, I had realised it long back. I’m just writing it now because I’m still suffering from the wedding hangover. No, not mine you doofus. My brother’s. Anyways, the point is, it’s true that I still have minimum expectations and I’m still scared of disappointment. But, I realised I do have more than a few friends who would do things willingly for me. Scratch that, I have a lot.

From a pack of friends who have been there for me since as long as I can remember to new ones who have learnt to understand my complexities and pacify my anger, I still have trouble keeping in constant touch with all of them. But I know, all it takes is one call from me (even if it’s after ages) that says I need help. Long conversation calls and then really long texts to rekindle the light of my heart, my friends have done it all.

To the ones in Hyderabad, thank you for being my constant support at work (even though I pass on my work to you guys a lot of times). Thank you for accompanying me in my crazy shopping trips and laughing to my silly jokes. And not to forget, thank you for making me want to come back to this city even after a long vacation at home.

To the ones from Pune, who were and will always be a part of my ‘home away from home’ (silly Symbiosis reference), thank you for the times you have held my hand and wiped my tears. For the times when you teased me enough to make me want to kill you but only because you love me to death, when you fought with me and against me. Thank you for those little trips to the garden of our society, to the restaurants around just so that we could talk. But most importantly, thank you for the most beautiful three years of my life.

To the ones back home in Cuttack, you guys know who you are. Thank you for all the childhood memories, the stupid things we have done together, the sleepovers. And even though we may act like snooty bitches sometimes, I know that the love we have for each other surpasses all our snootiness. Thank you for being my go-to people since over 10 years now and making sure that our friendship hasn’t changed one bit even though we have not been staying in the same city for over four years now. To the few I keep meeting every now and then, thank you for making that effort and listening to my problems always. To the ones I have been yearning to meet since a long time now, thank you for the hope that we will soon even though our schedules don’t make it seem so.

 

So long, my goofy bunch of friends

Big things come in small packages

I am seldom overwhelmed by the things that people do for me. Mainly because I have found very few who have gone out of their way to do something for me. That might also be because I don’t let them anymore. I prefer to be the one who gives up on a show that she had been waiting to watch for a long time, the one who is going to let you place the order at a restaurant according to your choice etc etc. And I would do that happily. Well, the reason for that is, I’m more scared that if I say what I wish for, the other person won’t live up to my expectation and I will be, umm, disappointed. So, when someone actually takes that little extra step for me, I am overwhelmed.

To say I’m blessed to have the best colleagues at work, would be an understatement. What with Miss Paul getting up from her much loved sleep at 4 in the night to make sure that I’m back home, and at the same time Miss Praveen consoling me about a stupid disappointment (once again, too many expectations), Miss Jha’s help for almost every other dreaded photoshoot, Miss Kumari’s late night chats even though she’s too tired, a certain ‘grumpy cat’ who will shout but help you out every time and Miss D.

I know Miss D is back at work because there is already a goodie bag at my desk. And yes, I love gifts but why I especially look forward to hers is that there are those little notes that always, always make me feel better (with her deep belief that even though we may progress digitally, hand written notes are the best).

I don’t know how many notes I have till now but I know I cherish each. 22 notes for my birthday alone, a special New Year wish, a letter about her vacation and the things I should do, all this while she is sitting right next to me (well, almost). And I’m not even counting the little ‘Thank You’ notes or the frightful ones about dirtying her desk yet again.

Her notes are special because she never makes my problem obvious. She turns it into a minuscule one in the end (after the whole letter reads about how awesome she is and sometimes, about how nice I am), but that strikes hard. It has always urged me to take a step or refrained me from doing something silly. And when it comes from Miss D, someone who respects privacy more than anything yet knows what pains my heart, it has to be special.

I’m writing this down at 4 a.m. and that shows how important it is to me. Miss D and I have had really innate conversations about life, relationships and of course, boys, as we have waited for a 20-minute cappuccino. And more than often, we have found each other in the same boat. Not ready (anymore) to settle down for anything that is not the best, similar experiences of rejection (sort of) and most importantly, big dreams (always).

As I conclude, Miss D, I direct this letter to you. Thank you for all the gifts but I am grateful for those letters that lift my spirits and bring me back every time. Very few people (read: Miss Paul, one of my best friends from Pune and my ex-boyfriend) have written letters to me and good or bad, I hold them all close to my heart.

That with Miss Paul’s incessant efforts to understand my hopes, my confusions about boys (had to sneak this one in) and my anger and Miss Praveen’s jokes directed at me, texts to check up on me always and companionship for my shopping trips, is what makes me believe that I’m an amazing person to have such good friends. (cue- narcissistic laugh).