The worst feeling

I was angry. Angry because I was fighting with one of my closest friends. Angry, because of the fact that I take friendship too seriously. I was so angry that there were tears streaming down my face and all I wanted to do was talk. Talk to someone.

And what angered me more was, when I looked at my contact list I didn’t know whom to call. Who was the one person I could call and not worry about sounding silly. And I knew more than anyone, I missed you at that moment.

It’s been a long time since we last talked and I didn’t want to bother you. I just can’t. Even though I know, you would be more than happy to listen to me right now but I just couldn’t pick up the phone to call. I know I have moved on and I know, somewhere you have to.

That’s what I have been looking for. For someone to talk to in my worst of days even though I might run the risk of sounding like the silliest person. For someone to laugh with and shout in joy, just because I’m happy. For someone whom I could depend upon emotionally without having to worry about my heart being crushed. For it has happened, more than once.

Which is why, over the years, I have conditioned myself to not let my sorrow out easily. I know there are friends with whom I can share my disappointments, my worries but when I have to cry, I cry alone. Because I know they would say "Stop crying". But what no one understands is that sometimes you have to cry because you haven’t for too long and you are letting go of the many things that bother you. Those things that bother you but you are too afraid to talk about them. And I know at this point, you would have let me cry and just as I would be sobbing, you would make me laugh.

I know it’s not the same anymore. But at least, I know what I’m looking for. 

If that's what you want

I’ll find the places where you hide.

I’ll be the dawn on your worst night.

To find love so pure, to believe in a feeling that rises above all and to trust in an emotion that submerses you in the depth of sadness and at the same time, uplifts you in the best of spirits, is for the lack of any other word, extraordinary. As I write this, someone might be writing the letter of love and at the same time, someone else might be crying into their pillows. All, for love.

The contradictory complexities of love, startle me. While sometimes it is as easy as walking into a bar and offering a drink to someone only to strike up a conversation that lasts forever, it’s also as difficult as holding on to a love lost, for years together, because you fear you won’t find it again. And each in its own regard is called love.

The frustrating confusions about love, bother me. Some say that love is all about giving while a few others say that love understands that you don’t have to give it all. Love is different for all yet it’s the one thing that holds them together.

The fights on love, anger me. It’s a bond that makes us let go of many others. But why? Why can’t love be an entity that’s understood by all beyond the upheavals of religion, caste, sex? We say that we need to fight for our love, but when do we stop fighting? Fighting for an emotion that just comes naturally to us.

Even then, the hope and faith people have in love, makes me dream. That after having eased out the complexities, solved the confusion and won the fight, people will always believe in love. They are sad, they are scared but still they never stop believing for what is life if not going that extra mile every other day, because that’s what “you” wanted. 

Randomness

It’s been more than a week that I have been meaning to write. Write about what was happening in my life. I was so preoccupied with the thoughts that I didn’t want to let go off and the presumption that things would change. But the truth is, everytime I would sit down write, things would actually change but only in an unexpected manner that pulled me back into this pool of confusion.

A random meeting, followed by a few others and then many drunken nights with a completely new bunch of friends, that’s how the past two weeks of my life can be described as. I shocked a few by my decisions and sometimes even myself, but it felt right.*I feel so right doing the wrong thing*

So yes. It has been a strange time where I found myself excited at the silliest of reasons, disappointed with an even sillier thing and then rising right back up dismissing all of them. It got me a lot of “You should be careful” and “Don’t get drunk” from Miss P, “Just doesn’t feel right” from Miss Paul and “I’m telling you out of experience” from Miss D. And these three being the ones I depend on without giving a second thought, I tried to defend my stance even though I knew I was doing the wrong thing. It involved a lot of “conference room” meetings to discuss the latest updates, a lot of phone calls and texts but what amazed me was my decision to go ahead with it anyway.

Why so?

Because it just felt so liberating. Because somewhere in the stupidity, I remembered my old times. Because sometimes in those drunken nights, I just let myself be.

I remember telling Miss Paul one day, that I want to let go of the things that are holding me back and just do something that I have never done before. And that was the day, I met A. Now, before you start thinking, no, it wasn’t something magical or love kinds. But in more ways than not, the whole episode was flattering. It had been really long since someone told me I looked pretty and took out time to talk to me. Considering the complexities of my past relationships which had made me believe that it never happens, A put me in the most awkward of places yet made me like it. I don’t know him or his friends even though I have spent quite a lot of time with them but I took a leap of faith.

And even though, I know it means nothing and I know that it’s just one of those things that happen these days, this random meeting with A and his friends, has put a smile on my face and until it lasts, I want to just let go of things that have me cramped emotionally and take the plunge of randomness.