Me, Myself and I

Is it weird that sometimes even when things are going perfect, when you are with your best of friends and things couldn't get better, you feel that sense of emptiness. That feeling of not knowing where you belong to. 

It struck me when you told me, "You should spend more time with yourself." 

All of these years, I have found myself as the friend who has always been there, the colleague who is ready to take up more work or the family member, who away from home has time to listen to every minute detail of a problem. Don't get me wrong. In all of these circumstances, I have volunteered to be "that person who's always there", but over the course of time, it feels I didn't have the time to know myself more. 

Like when you asked me about my interests. I didn't know. I played it cool by saying that I'm into everything but the truth is I haven't done anything yet purely because of the reason that it interests me. It's always been to accompany a friend or just a random outing. 

Or even when Miss Paul was ready with her college applications and she turned to ask me about mine and I had no clue about what I wanted to do. I had always wanted to do journalism and now, two years of being in the field and having so many experiences, I don't know what's the road ahead for me. I'm content with my job right now but at the same time, the urge to do something more eats into my everyday schedule.

It's late. But it's time I look out for myself, spend time with myself to know what I want to do. A getaway all by myself, a course that I join alone, a morning walk every morning... so many options and I realise them now. Maybe sometimes, it's not bad to be lonely, to embrace that feeling of being alone but only to be content where you are. 

Looking for you

Have you ever felt it? When words don’t come to you, when the pressure gets to you, when it seems impossible to meet deadlines, how he just brightens up your computer with a message that says ‘hey’ and the rush you feel when you suddenly know what to say, what to write and you smile, because you know it’s him and how even the most inconsequential conversation makes you blush. 

Have you ever felt it? The chaos, the scattered sheets, the tumbled ink bottle that has spilled over your desk ruining that important review, which has to be sent in to the boss any minute now, the paper cuts, the rushed assignments, the forced smiles, the phone dying on you right when you have to take that final interview, the disgruntled look from your colleagues... and right amidst all of that, a glance. He looks at you, and you stop,. You stop and smile to yourself. That feeling of contentment and suddenly you are transported from that chaos to the quiet, where it’s just you and him.

Have you ever felt it? Because that’s where I found you, right in the middle of the mumbled sentences, the half spoken words and the unthought-of possibilities. You have been here all along but I found you when I stopped looking and only then I realised, you were the calm to my distress.