For Jeremy: 1

Photo credit: Miss P. Read her blogs here yesnobutwhy

To understand the reference of Jeremy, read this wonderfully written article in New York Times.

And just like that, a name — one I referred to often — became an archetype, a trope, an all-purpose noun used by my college friends to talk about “that guy,” the one who remains for us in some netherworld between friend and boyfriend, often for years.
Excerpt from Modern Love, published on New York Times

"He's your Jeremy," she said.

Haven't we all found ourselves at that weird situation, where you don't know what's going on. A little laughter when you meet, a smile when he messages and yet annoyance when you fail to get the answer. You try to withdraw yourself, bury yourself in your cocoon and yearn for him to notice. Alas, there is no notice.

And you on the other hand, turn into this self-deprecating version of yourself. Finding faults and picking fights.

But why should a man be allowed to rule over your mood, you protest. His yes, brightens your day and a no, brings you to this dull halt. And you're left to question your own feelings, about when is a good time to pick up those baggage of emotions and leave.

It's only a little time before you feel the distance. When after having pulled your hair in frustration, you will decide to step away.

But is there really a goodbye? Every time he pulls you back, you give it another chance, a shot at "what could be". And this goes on. You trap yourself in this circle of emotions, which never had a beginning and therefore, will never see an end.

He will come to you at his time of need and you will look for him to share a laugh. There will be those effortless conversations, those laughter sessions, those rare trips around town where he will treat you fine and you will wish it lasts forever.

The time runs out and you fall back.
And he, he will always be your Jeremy.

Back at work

"So, how does it feel?" everyone asked me. 

First day back at work after a 13-day leave can seem like a tiresome task, and sometimes when you're a journalist and you have been hearing stories about being short-staffed, it can be dreadful.

It starts off right as I had predicted it, the curse of the return, astroman (Copyright, Miss P) was waiting for me. And as I worked on the predictions that astroman had written down for others, apart from the usual nondescript sentences, he seemed to be doing quite fine. 

That and the usual coffee banter or the hurried chats between work where we still manage to find the most stupid jokes and laugh it off as they were the best, brings you back to the everyday routine you had.

And even then, by the end of the day, you look at the empty chairs or the replaced ones. You look around for those random messages that used to pop up on your screen or the offering of a biscuit right when you are super hungry. The conversations that would make you smile or the one that continues over texts about pending plans that have to be checked off a bucket list. 

Somethings don't change for good and the ones that do, leave an empty space forever. Sure, with time, you adjust to it but at times, when you look up from your desk, and there's no one to say "Can I interest you with a cookie?", you wish they had never changed.

:)

Only Time

Who can say if your love grows,

As your heart chose - Only time,

And who can say where the road goes,
Where the day flows, only time,

Who knows? Only time

- (Only time by Enya)

Every time someone tells me, With time, you'll know the answer, I wonder. So what's this time going to do? Obviously, I don't know the answer to that too. You don't as well. 

But anyway, I stood with it, time. As the clocks went all tick-tock, I stepped away. I put myself in a different place, did different things, tried to avoid texts, calls. I laughed, cried, almost threw the phone in frustration but I refrained from jumping the boundary that time had put forth. 

In the complexities of today's relationships, I don't know what we are. Then again, they say time will tell.
The wretched know-it-all, time. And this, when I don't even wear a watch!

And yet as the seconds turned into minutes, I thought about you over and over again. I wrote to not think about you, I wrote to say something to you but I only wrote about you.

I hope you are hoping too, I wish you want it too, I dream you see it too. But the answer is with, only time.

Going away, again

And the bags are packed yet again, now standing in the hallway.
I remember the first time it was like this, five years ago. Two big suitcases filled to the brim and being overweight with the luggage was not a worry. I'm told now, "Take the smaller suitcase, you anyway come home only for a few days".
Right at the door, my dog sits patiently. Five years ago, he thought I was just heading out and will be back in a few hours. When my parents came back home without me, he kept growling at them. Now, he's accustomed, every time I come home, he knows I'll be gone soon.
The mangoes are not yet ripe, but I'm told they are expecting a good lot this year. My sisters giggle, "We'll tell you how it tastes."
The kinara shop uncle is excited to know about my adventures yet gives my dad a look of disappointment when I say I'll be gone tomorrow.
There's a big renovation planned at home. "It will take a long time to have everything ready," says the architect. My mom turns to me with a heavy heart and says, "It will be done when you're home the next time."

Disappointment. Abandonment.

Everytime someone walks into your life, someone who you just met at the bar or someone who had been there all along but just decided to wake up now, you build dreams. You think about the possibility of a you and him, of an us. And right when you are feeling all fuzzy inside, you stop yourself.
Why? Because you are scared. You are scared that you'll be disappointed and abandoned yet again. There are just so many questions in your head. Should I call? Should I text? Will he think I'm clingy? Will he think I don't care? Will he reply? Is he ready? Maybe he's not the emotional kinds, maybe he's just figuring it all out. Maybe he likes me but he just needs time.
Ever noticed that in all of these questions or statements, you are thinking about him. What if you aren't ready and what if he is? Everytime you are thinking too much, take the plunge anyway, hit the send button because if he replies, you know he cares and if he doesn't,  you know you have to move on.
My friends had been raving about Lena Dunham for the longest time and I was trying to make sense about what is actually so great about her. I picked up her book Not That Kind of a Girl and in just a few pages, I know why Girls these days are all about Lena.
She says you shouldn't be sleeping with anyone who makes you feel like you're invading their space. I think about it. Because why should you be scared to text? Isn't being able to freely talk/text/call an important part of a relationship or whatever it is that you've decided not to name?
There will always be too many questions in your head, you will always be scared of disappointment and abandonment but you'll never be sure of where you are headed if you don't take the plunge.
So, the next time you are scared, stop, breathe and do what your heart says. Because, you may not deserve the best, but you certainly deserve what your heart wants. 

Me, Myself and I

Is it weird that sometimes even when things are going perfect, when you are with your best of friends and things couldn't get better, you feel that sense of emptiness. That feeling of not knowing where you belong to. 

It struck me when you told me, "You should spend more time with yourself." 

All of these years, I have found myself as the friend who has always been there, the colleague who is ready to take up more work or the family member, who away from home has time to listen to every minute detail of a problem. Don't get me wrong. In all of these circumstances, I have volunteered to be "that person who's always there", but over the course of time, it feels I didn't have the time to know myself more. 

Like when you asked me about my interests. I didn't know. I played it cool by saying that I'm into everything but the truth is I haven't done anything yet purely because of the reason that it interests me. It's always been to accompany a friend or just a random outing. 

Or even when Miss Paul was ready with her college applications and she turned to ask me about mine and I had no clue about what I wanted to do. I had always wanted to do journalism and now, two years of being in the field and having so many experiences, I don't know what's the road ahead for me. I'm content with my job right now but at the same time, the urge to do something more eats into my everyday schedule.

It's late. But it's time I look out for myself, spend time with myself to know what I want to do. A getaway all by myself, a course that I join alone, a morning walk every morning... so many options and I realise them now. Maybe sometimes, it's not bad to be lonely, to embrace that feeling of being alone but only to be content where you are. 

Looking for you

Have you ever felt it? When words don’t come to you, when the pressure gets to you, when it seems impossible to meet deadlines, how he just brightens up your computer with a message that says ‘hey’ and the rush you feel when you suddenly know what to say, what to write and you smile, because you know it’s him and how even the most inconsequential conversation makes you blush. 

Have you ever felt it? The chaos, the scattered sheets, the tumbled ink bottle that has spilled over your desk ruining that important review, which has to be sent in to the boss any minute now, the paper cuts, the rushed assignments, the forced smiles, the phone dying on you right when you have to take that final interview, the disgruntled look from your colleagues... and right amidst all of that, a glance. He looks at you, and you stop,. You stop and smile to yourself. That feeling of contentment and suddenly you are transported from that chaos to the quiet, where it’s just you and him.

Have you ever felt it? Because that’s where I found you, right in the middle of the mumbled sentences, the half spoken words and the unthought-of possibilities. You have been here all along but I found you when I stopped looking and only then I realised, you were the calm to my distress.