The worst feeling

I was angry. Angry because I was fighting with one of my closest friends. Angry, because of the fact that I take friendship too seriously. I was so angry that there were tears streaming down my face and all I wanted to do was talk. Talk to someone.

And what angered me more was, when I looked at my contact list I didn’t know whom to call. Who was the one person I could call and not worry about sounding silly. And I knew more than anyone, I missed you at that moment.

It’s been a long time since we last talked and I didn’t want to bother you. I just can’t. Even though I know, you would be more than happy to listen to me right now but I just couldn’t pick up the phone to call. I know I have moved on and I know, somewhere you have to.

That’s what I have been looking for. For someone to talk to in my worst of days even though I might run the risk of sounding like the silliest person. For someone to laugh with and shout in joy, just because I’m happy. For someone whom I could depend upon emotionally without having to worry about my heart being crushed. For it has happened, more than once.

Which is why, over the years, I have conditioned myself to not let my sorrow out easily. I know there are friends with whom I can share my disappointments, my worries but when I have to cry, I cry alone. Because I know they would say "Stop crying". But what no one understands is that sometimes you have to cry because you haven’t for too long and you are letting go of the many things that bother you. Those things that bother you but you are too afraid to talk about them. And I know at this point, you would have let me cry and just as I would be sobbing, you would make me laugh.

I know it’s not the same anymore. But at least, I know what I’m looking for.