Disappointment. Abandonment.

Everytime someone walks into your life, someone who you just met at the bar or someone who had been there all along but just decided to wake up now, you build dreams. You think about the possibility of a you and him, of an us. And right when you are feeling all fuzzy inside, you stop yourself.
Why? Because you are scared. You are scared that you'll be disappointed and abandoned yet again. There are just so many questions in your head. Should I call? Should I text? Will he think I'm clingy? Will he think I don't care? Will he reply? Is he ready? Maybe he's not the emotional kinds, maybe he's just figuring it all out. Maybe he likes me but he just needs time.
Ever noticed that in all of these questions or statements, you are thinking about him. What if you aren't ready and what if he is? Everytime you are thinking too much, take the plunge anyway, hit the send button because if he replies, you know he cares and if he doesn't,  you know you have to move on.
My friends had been raving about Lena Dunham for the longest time and I was trying to make sense about what is actually so great about her. I picked up her book Not That Kind of a Girl and in just a few pages, I know why Girls these days are all about Lena.
She says you shouldn't be sleeping with anyone who makes you feel like you're invading their space. I think about it. Because why should you be scared to text? Isn't being able to freely talk/text/call an important part of a relationship or whatever it is that you've decided not to name?
There will always be too many questions in your head, you will always be scared of disappointment and abandonment but you'll never be sure of where you are headed if you don't take the plunge.
So, the next time you are scared, stop, breathe and do what your heart says. Because, you may not deserve the best, but you certainly deserve what your heart wants. 

Me, Myself and I

Is it weird that sometimes even when things are going perfect, when you are with your best of friends and things couldn't get better, you feel that sense of emptiness. That feeling of not knowing where you belong to. 

It struck me when you told me, "You should spend more time with yourself." 

All of these years, I have found myself as the friend who has always been there, the colleague who is ready to take up more work or the family member, who away from home has time to listen to every minute detail of a problem. Don't get me wrong. In all of these circumstances, I have volunteered to be "that person who's always there", but over the course of time, it feels I didn't have the time to know myself more. 

Like when you asked me about my interests. I didn't know. I played it cool by saying that I'm into everything but the truth is I haven't done anything yet purely because of the reason that it interests me. It's always been to accompany a friend or just a random outing. 

Or even when Miss Paul was ready with her college applications and she turned to ask me about mine and I had no clue about what I wanted to do. I had always wanted to do journalism and now, two years of being in the field and having so many experiences, I don't know what's the road ahead for me. I'm content with my job right now but at the same time, the urge to do something more eats into my everyday schedule.

It's late. But it's time I look out for myself, spend time with myself to know what I want to do. A getaway all by myself, a course that I join alone, a morning walk every morning... so many options and I realise them now. Maybe sometimes, it's not bad to be lonely, to embrace that feeling of being alone but only to be content where you are. 

Looking for you

Have you ever felt it? When words don’t come to you, when the pressure gets to you, when it seems impossible to meet deadlines, how he just brightens up your computer with a message that says ‘hey’ and the rush you feel when you suddenly know what to say, what to write and you smile, because you know it’s him and how even the most inconsequential conversation makes you blush. 

Have you ever felt it? The chaos, the scattered sheets, the tumbled ink bottle that has spilled over your desk ruining that important review, which has to be sent in to the boss any minute now, the paper cuts, the rushed assignments, the forced smiles, the phone dying on you right when you have to take that final interview, the disgruntled look from your colleagues... and right amidst all of that, a glance. He looks at you, and you stop,. You stop and smile to yourself. That feeling of contentment and suddenly you are transported from that chaos to the quiet, where it’s just you and him.

Have you ever felt it? Because that’s where I found you, right in the middle of the mumbled sentences, the half spoken words and the unthought-of possibilities. You have been here all along but I found you when I stopped looking and only then I realised, you were the calm to my distress. 

Of stolen glances

Standing in a nice dress, staring at the sunset babe

Red lips and rosy cheeks

Say you'll see me again even if it's just in your wildest dreams

With a white dress that clung on to her for dear life and a glass in hand, she swirled as the DJ spun the music.  In between a hustle, she spotted him. Stealing a glance. Her eyes met his right before he chose to look away, and they lingered on for just a little while. Even as she moved along, she could feel his eyes on her. Her friend nudged her to walk up to him for a conversation as did his. But both of them laughed it off as their eyes met again.

Many drinks later, she sat down after all the dancing as her friend started a conversation with one of the guys they had just met. She was browsing through her phone, contemplating taking her heels off, she eventually did. He sat at the bar counter talking to a friend. A while later, the friend walked up to her and as he tried to start a conversation, she looked over at him, he was still looking. She continued talking to the friend and soon, he stopped looking. Laughing as the friend joked about the silliest of things, they found common interests and wishes. And while the friend tried his best, she tried to steal a glance at him as he now sat alone at the counter with a drink in hand. She wished to talk to him.

She walked up to the counter, asked for a drink to the bartender. He smiled. She smiled back. The drink was there, she looked at him again, hoping he would say something. Instead, the sea green eyes just looked back at her. She smiled again as she started to walk back.

And then it was time to leave. She put her heels back on and there it was, the last glance that said goodbye.

An old photograph

I was rummaging through the old box in the corner of the room. And as I put away the tattered teddy bear that I once held close to my heart and made way through the cobwebs that now entangled all the little things that at a time meant the most to me, I found them. In a file that was almost falling apart, I relived my childhood memories. High school photographs of memories good and bad, of laughter and tears and... of friendships lost and those that have strengthened over the years. And even though the photographs hold the ugliest side of me, they will never meet the trash box for they also hold a life that was once mine, a smile that was the brightest and a time that has gone by.

And that’s when I realised. You too are an old photograph for me. 

The gift

Gift me a book and write a note about us on the pages,

For years later, when we are dead and gone,

In the shelves of a library, in the section of love,

The book will be found and we’ll live again. 

To 2015.

Dear you,

It’s been a tough year. Every passing day brought with it a wind of change, what we held so close to us in the year before was ripped into pieces and thrown aside. Swinging in and out of our own emotions, this year has tested our patience, built a disbelief about everything we believed in.

It’s been a harrowing year. We both lost grandparents this year, both left us right before we wanted to rush home to them with something that we bought them from our first salary. We sit with the regret that we could have been there and smiled with them as they strained their losing memory to remember which city we were living in currently.

It's been a tumultuous year for love. We sat there in the beach, scribbling names in the sand and thinking the waves will take our wishes along with them, only to realise that two months down the line, it never really mattered that much. We have spent hours talking about why it happens to us, why don’t we deserve the right one and why does everything lead to disappointment.  

But I'll tell you another story...

This year has been the year of expectations. We have had our hearts broken, our love forgotten yet everytime love stops by, we smile, we hope and we know that one day things will get better. You may have dismissed your own belief, but everytime, everytime I have come to you with the idea of giving up, you have given me the strength to build dreams again.

This year, we have lost and gained family members. We lost a dear one, we cried. But we also gained a dear one. And there have been times when we sat down with the new member of the family and talked about the other dear one, who is always watching upon us.

This year has taught us a lot. From that two-day trip we took to be with each other to the constant messages, we have shared each and every memory even though we are far apart. We have tried to pull our hair out in frustration but in those times have also learnt not to do the same thing again. We have grown and understood more.

This year we have had all the experiences we had only dreamt of, the good ones and the nightmares.

This year we have been there for each other at every single step.

So, my love, this year has been amazing.

Here’s to 2015 now.